I Still Look Good in the Dark

18 09 2010

I’ve talked to women who took miscarriage pretty well, who said, “I knew it just wasn’t right, and that it was better to try again.”  This is a healthy take on losing an embryo in the first trimester, although it’s also common and perfectly normal to be devastated by it.  I fell into this latter category when I started bleeding in my 6th week.

Grief hit hard.  I didn’t lock myself away and give in to it, but nothing felt good or right for me during those three days when I thought the pregnancy was over.  I continued to work.  I went grocery shopping.  I walked the dog.  But everything was shadowed by sadness and disappointed, and of course, the almost painful hope that maybe everything would be okay.

In the middle of this difficult time, I made a late-night stop at the gas station.  The attendant was just a kid; he looked about 16, but maybe he was a little older.

As I got out of my car to pay, he asked, “Doing anything interesting tonight?”

“No,” I said, smiling, the secret of my mourning safe under the halogen lights.

After I paid, I came back out of the station store.  He was standing by the door, smoking a cigarette.

“So…” he continued.  “Nothing interesting at all?”

“Nope, pretty boring.”

“Oh, come on, it’s Friday night!”  He attempted to begin some friendly banter.

Finally, he broke through my cloud of self-centered thoughts: this kid was hitting on me.

My gas tank was filled a minute later, and, in spite of myself, I couldn’t help a wry smile as I drove off, imagining his horror if he knew I was old enough to be his (very young) mother.

And still hoping that I was soon to be the mother of someone else.




One response

18 09 2010

I rarely get hit on anymore, when I do I think I may be as oblivious. 🙂 But it does feel good when I notice. Sending you some STICKY BABY thoughts!!! Hugs!

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